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Book IX-IRCjSi^ 
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French's International Copyrigfhted (in England, her 

Colonies, and the United States) Edition Of 

the Works of the Best Authors 
il No. 422 il 



COLLEGE DAYS 



H ffarce In ®ne Bet 



BY 



JOHN K. STAFFORD 



Copyright, 1921, by Samuel French 



Amateurs may present this play without payment of 
royalty. All other rights reserved 



-t- 



PRICE, 30 CENTS 



li New York 

II SAMUEL FRENCH 

11 publisher 

1 1 28-30 West 38th Street 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd 

26 Southampton St. 

STRAND 



\h=!=^^ 



BILLETED. 



il 

1 I AC* ^■' 



A comedy in 3 acts, by F. Tennison Jesse and H. Harwood. 4 males, 
5 females. One easy interior scene. A charming comedy, constructed 
with uncommon skill, and abounds with clever lines. Margaret Anglin's 
big success. Amateurs will find this comedy easy to produce and popular 
with all audiences. Price, 60 Cents. 

NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. 

A comedy in 3 acts. By James Montgomery. 5 males, 6 females. Cos- 
tumes, modern. Two interior scenes. Plays 2^ hours. 

Is it possible to tell the absolute truth — even for twenty-four hours? It is — 
at least Bob Bennett, the hero of "Nothing But the Truth," accomplished the 
feat. The bet he made with his business partners, and the trouble he got into— 
with his partners, his friends, and his fiancee — this is the subject of William 
Collier's tremendous comedy hit. "Nothing But the Truth" can be whole-heartedly 
recommended as one of the most sprightly, amusing and popular comedies that 
this country can boast. Price, 60 Cents. 

IN WALKED JIMMY. 

A comedy in 4 acts, by Minnie Z. Jafifa. 10 males, 2 females (although 
any number of males and females may be used as clerks, etc.) Two 
interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Plays 2^ hours. The thing into 
which Jimmy walked was a broken-down shoe factory, when the clerks 
had all been fired, and when the proprietor was in serious contemplation 
of suicide. 

Jimmy, nothing else but plain Jimmy, would have been a mysterious figure 
had it not been for his matter-of-fact manner, his smile and his everlasting 
humanness. He put the shoe business on its feet, won the heart of the girl 
clerk, saved her erring brother from jail, escaped that place as a permanent 
boarding house himself, and foiled the villain. 

Clean, wholesome comedy with just a touch of human nature, just a dash of 
excitement and more than a little bit of true philosophy make "In Walked Jimmy" 
one of the most delightful of plays. Jimmy is full of the religion of life, the 
religion of happiness and the religion of helpfulness, and he so permeates the 
atmosphere with his "religion" that everyone is happy. The spirit of optimism, 
good cheer, and hearty laughter dominates the play. There is not a dull moment 
in any of the four acts. We strongly recommend it. Price, 60 Cents. 

MARTHA BY-THE-DAY. 

An optimistic comedy in three acts, by Julie M. LIppmann, author of 
the "Martha" stories. 5 males, 5 females. Three interior scenes. Cos- 
tumes modern. Plays 2^ hours. 

It is altogether a gentle thing, this play. It is full of quaint humor, old- 
fashioned, homely sentiment, the kind that people Who see the play will recall 
and chuckle over tomorrow and the next day. 

Miss Lippmann has herself adapted her very successful book for stage service, 
and in doing this has selected from her novel the most telling incidents, infectious 
comedy and homely sentiment for the play, and the result is thorovighly delightful. 

Price, 60 Cents. 

(The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) 
SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York City 

New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request 



COLLEGE DAYS 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



By 



JOHN K. STAFFORD 



Copyright, 1921, by Samuel French 



Amateurs may present this play without payment of 
royalty. All other rights reserved. 



New York: 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

Publisher 

28-30 West 38th Street 



London : 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

Strand 



?5 2557 



CLO 5919 a 



NOU 25 '2 



A\^ I 



CHARACTERS 

Uncle Gabriel Hardwick 

Ted Touchoff_, his nephew 

Alice Graniteface 

Jack Graniteface 

Dick Dumbell 

Paul Pip 

Tom Thumbsucker 

Bill Bottletop 

Artie Ashcan ' 

President Tankhead 1 

Professor Dingbat r Rumpus College Faculty 

Dr. Soakum J 

Scene : Lobby of Hotel Snoria. 
Time : From noon till two. 



Rumpus College Students 



COLLEGE DAYS 

Scene • Hotel lobby, with simple furnishings. No 
furniture necessary. Curtain rises, showing 
Bill, Paul, Tom in a row, being led m cheer by 
Dick. Dick has back to audience. 

Dick (As curtain rises) Let's have a cheer, 
fellows. Are you ready? Let her go I Ray, ray! 
Rumpus ! 

We'll raise a rumpus with all who try to thump us! 
Rumpus College ! Rumpus College ! Ray ! ray ! ray I 
(Goes l. j 

That's good enough, fellows. No use of trying that 
any more before the game. 

Bill. (Stutters, and others try to help him talk) 
I_I_I bet we b— b— beat P— Princeton to a s— s— 

standstill. 
Tom. Sure we will. Ted alone is worth the whole 

Princeton team. 

(Artie enters^ at l., running.) 

Artie. Say, fellows, Ted's fired! 
All. What! 
Artie, (c.) Fact. 
Paul. What'd he do? 

Artie. You know he had a crush on old Prof. 
Dingbat's daughter, Dorothea? 

5 



6 COLLEGE DAYS 

All. Yes, go on. 

Artie. Well, last night he stole out with Doro- 
thea in Dingbat's car, to go to a dance. They had a 
collision : ran into old Soakum's car. 

Paul. What ! Dr. Soakum, our old prof ? 

(Artie nods.) 

Dick. Anybody hurt ? 

Artie. No, but you haven't heard the worst of 
it yet. 

Dick. What, did he have somebody else's wife 
in the car with him ? 

Tom. (Laughs and pushes Dick back) Naughty, 
naughty, I'll slap you on the wrist. 

Artie. No, but the faculty have wired Ted's uncle 
about it. 

Paul. What, Ted's rich old uncle who's putting 
him through college? 

Artie. Yep ! 

Dick. Why, his uncle is an old bachelor, a regu- 
lar woman-hater, and he'll kick Ted out of college 
if he finds Ted's in love. 

Bill. Gee, that's fierce ! Then Ted would have 
to go to w — work ! 

Dick. Well, what are we going to do about it? 

Tom. I know. Stand around like a bunch of nin- 
nies and watch the faculty put this over on us. 

Artie. That's just probably what we'll do. 

Paul. (Looks at watch) I've got to be going. 
(Starts R.) 

Tom. Why? 

Paul. I'm supposed to meet Alice out here. 

Dick. Bring her in here ! I've got an idea ! 

All. What is it ? 

^ Dick. Why not invite this Uncle Hardwick to 
visit the college, and we pretend we're the faculty, 
and pull the wool over his eyes, so he'll let Ted stay ? 



COLLEGE DAYS 7 

Bill. N— No. Th— the f— faculty w— would 
f — find out and we'd all b — be expelled. 

Artie. That's a crazy scheme. 

Dick. No, it isn't. I've seen wilder things than 
that work. 

Paul. Where, in what movie ? 

Tom. Explain your scheme. 

Dick. Why, it's simple. We telegraph the uncle, 
saying that we, the faculty, invite him to visit the 
college. 

Paul. I'll be right back, fellows. (Exits r.) 

All. All right, Paul. 

Tom. Well, what will we do when we get the 
uncle here? 

^ Dick. We'll play that we're the faculty and make 
him decide to let Ted stay in college. That's simple. 

Paul. Oh, how simple! 

Dick. Don't throw cold water on the scheme. 

Tom. We're up against it. 

Artie. We've got to do something. 

Bill. L—e— let's t— try it. 

All. All right, we will. 

Dick. That's fine. Now we've got to get busy. 

Paul. We better get that telegram ofif to the 
uncle right away. 

Artie. You send it. Bill. 

Tom. Yes, tell him the faculty would be very 
glad to have him visit us. 

Bill. All r— right. I'll s— send it r— right away. 
(Exits R.; ^ y 

(Enter Alice, Paul and Jack at r.; 

All. Hello there! 

Alice and Jack. Hello, faculty ! (All laugh.) 
Alice. Paul has just been telling us about Dick's 
scheme to keep Ted in college. Isn't it rich? 
Tom. Yes, if it works. 



8 COLLEGE DAYS 

Dick. Alice, will you play the part of Dorothea? 
Alice. Why do you want Dorothea in it? 
Dick. To make the uncle think Ted hates Doro- 
thea. 

Alice. But why not get Dorothea here herself ? 
Dick. We can't. Her father would catch on. 
Jack, (r.) Go ahead and do it, AHce. 
Alice. Surely I will. 
All. That's fine ! Bully for you, Alice ! 

(Enter Bill at u.) 

Bill. W — w — well, I sent the t — telegram. 
Artie. That's the stuff ! 
Dick. Now we've got to finish our plans. 
Tom. Alice, do you know the rich old uncle hates 
women ? 

Alice. So I hear. 

Dick. So we'll treat you real rough. 

Artie. (Looks Left) Here comes Ted himself. 

(Enter Ted l.J 

All. Hello, Ted ; tough luck, old man ! 

Ted., (c.) Hello, fellows. I'm afraid I've got 
to quit college. 

Alice. No, you won't. We've got a scheme. 

Paul. We're going to pretend we're the faculty 
and we've already invited your uncle here. 

Ted. What ! 

Artie. What's the matter, Ted ? 

Ted. Say, fellows, you've got yourself in an aw- 
ful fix. 

Dick. We all know that. 

Ted. No, you don't. The real faculty have in- 
vited Uncle Gabriel here ! 

All. What ! 



COLLEGE DAYS 9 

Ted. They have. And he'll arrive in less than an 
hour! 

Jack. Ye gods! We're lost! (Puts hand to 
forehead and falls in Paulas arms, zvho fans him.) 

Artie. And we want you so badly for that 
Princeton game. 

Alice. I know what we'll do ! 

All. What? 

Alice. Get my brother Jack here to pretend he's 
Uncle Hardwick before the faculty. 

Tom. But they'll catch on. 

Alice. No, they won't. They've never seen Jack, 
any more than they've seen Uncle Gabriel. 

Dick. Will you do it, Jack? 

Jack. Sure, I'm ready for anything. 

All. That's fine, Jack. Good for you ! 

Dick. But we've got to work fast. Artie, you 
go down to the station and bring the uncle up here. 

Artie. All right. (Exits R.) 

Jack. Alice, let's run home and get those cos- 
tumes we have for masquerades. 

Alice. Yes, they'll help the fellows look like real 
Profs. 

(Alice and Jack leave at l.J 

Paul. You'd better post a lookout to keep tabs 
on the real faculty, while we're entertaining the 
uncle. 

Dick. Bill, will you be the lookout, and warn 
us when there's any danger? 

Bill. I'll go outside and watch. (Goes r., then 
returns.) But I warn you th — th — that I'm 1 — likely 
t — ^to s — s — stutter w — when I'm excited. 

Dick. Don't get excited. 

(Bill exits R.) 



lo COLLEGE DAYS 

Ted. Say, fellows, you know the real faculty are 
expecting to entertain Uncle Gabriel in this lobby? 

Tom. What can we do about that? 

Paul. I know. We'll get him out of here by in- 
viting him to come upstairs, and we'll entertain him. 
(All laugh.) 

Dick. Ted, Alice is going to pretend to be Dot, 
and you and she will have to pretend to hate each 
other. 

Ted. Oh, I see. For my uncle's benefit. 

(Alice and Jack enter at l._, Jack has suitcase.) 

Jack. Here you are, fellows, enough costumes 
for a dozen profs. (Sets suitcase c.) Here, Tom, 
you play the part of Professor Dingbat. (Takes 
Tom r. Ted goes up to Tom. J And here, Paul, 
you play the part of Dr. Soakum. (Takes Paul l. 
Alice goes up to Paul, j And Dick, you be Presi- 
dent Tankhead — you're a bad actor. (Dick is c.) 
Come on, fellows, get dressed up. (Jack stands 
down c, with hack to audience, and passes out a 
false heard, spectacles and hats to the fake profes- 
sors. Alice stuffs pilloiv down Paul's waist. All 
talk as they dress up.) 

Jack. (To audience) Ladies and gentlemen, on 
your left you see the only fossil of its kind : Pro- 
fessor Dingbat of the English department. (Tom 
at R. hozvs and all applaud. Jack goes l.) And on 
your right you see the swordfish crab of mathemat- 
ics. Dr. Soakum. (Paul at l. hows; all clap and 
cry, ''Soakum, Soakum f' ) And behold the infamous 
head of our university, President Tankhead ! (Dick 
c. bows; all clap. Jack goes c. zvith hack to audi- 
ence.) All members of this club. Gentlemen, to 
your corners! (All go up c.) 

(Enter Bill running at r.) 



COLLEGE DAYS U 



Bill. Th— th— th— th 

All. Stop stuttering! 

Bill. They're coming! A— A— A— A 

All. Who's coming? 

Bill. Artie and the uncle. 

Dick. That's all right. We're ready for them. 

Jack. I'm going to beat it now. Get the uncle 
out of here in time for me to meet the faculty. 

Tom. You leave that to us. 

Jack. Here, Bill, give me that bag. I'll fill it with 
bricks and make the faculty carry it. (Exits at l. 
with suitcase and Bill.j 

Alice. Ted, you and I had better go out for a 
while. 

Ted. All right. Miss Dorothea. 

Alice. Yes, call me that to get accustomed to it. 
(Exits L. with Ted. j 

Dick. (Looks R.) They're just coming in the 
entrance now. Everybody on your toes ! 

(Uncle and Artie enter at r. Uncle is bearded, 
has carpet-bag, old hat, red boots, etc. Dick, 
Tom and Paul stand in line. Dick is R.J 

Artie. (Goes up to DickJ Mr. Hardwick, meet 
President Tankhead. (Dick squee::cs Uncle's hand 
very hard.) 

Dick. (Introduces TomJ And this is Tom. 
(Artie kicks Dick. J I — I mean Professor Ding- 
bat. 

Tom. (Squeezes Uncle's hand) Welcome to our 
city. This is Dr. Soakum. (Introduces Paul, who 
extends hand. Uncle puts hands behind back and 
jumps back.) 

Uncle. Soakum! Soakum! No, sir, ye don't 
soakum my hand. 

Dick. Mr. Hardwick, it would give the faculty 
great pleasure if you would come upstairs with us. 



12 COLLEGE DAYS 

Uncle. All right, gentlemen. Jest as ye say. 

Tom. (To Uncle j Let me take your bag. 

Paul. No, let me take it. (Tom and Paul play- 
fully maul each other and the Uncle in struggle for 
the hag. Dick rushes up.) 

Dick. Here, here, gentlemen ! You forget you 
are professors of a great university. 

(Tom and Paul immediately stop scuffle. Tom 
takes hag and exits l.) 

Dick. (To UncleJ If you will step right this 
way. 
Uncle. All right. 

(Dick and Paul grab Uncle and rush him off at l. 
Jack enters at r.) 

Jack. Good luck. Nobody in sight while they 
were taking the uncle away. (Looks at watch.) It's 
time for the profs to come to get me. (Looks r.) 
Aha, here come some zephyrs now! It must be the 
faculty ! I'll skip out a minute and hear what they 
have to say. (Exits h.) 

(Flourish hy Orchestra, foUozved by the tune of 
''Hail, Hail, the Gang's All Here." President 
Tankhead, Prof. Dingbat and Dr. Soakum 
enter at r., ivith palms together at zuaist and 
goose-stepping to the music. They march around 
the stage.) 

President Tankhead. Faculty, halt! (Faculty 
are in a row, with hands kept palms together at 
waist.) Right, face ! (Faculty execute military right 
face.) Faculty, rest I (Faculty all slouch.) 

Prof. Dingbat. (At r., and looking straight 



COLLEGE DAYS 13 

ahead) I understand Mr. Hardwick is a very strong 
character. 

Pres. Tankhead and Dr. Soakum. (Make deep 
bow together) Yes, yes. 

Dr. Soakum. What is vulgarly known as a rough 
neck. 

Pres. Tankhead and Dr. Soakum. (Bozv to- 
gether) Yes, yes. 

Pres. Tankhead. But, gentlemen, remember, he 
has a lot of money. 

Prof. Dingbat and Dr. Soakum. (Bow together) 
Oh, yes. We'll remember. 

(Jack enters l. with necktie awry, etc. Stands at l.) 

Pres. Tankhead. (Sees Jack; Er, is this Mr. 
Hardwick ? 

(Jack turns head slightly.) 

Pres. Tankhead. (Louder) Have I the pleas- 
ure of addressing Mr. Hardwick? 

(Jack puts hand to ear.) 

Pres. Tankhead. (Shouts) Are you Mr. Hard- 
wick? 

Jack. Don't shout. I heard you the first time. 
(He steps on Pres. Tankhead's right foot. Pres. 
Tankhead gasps and grasps foot zvith hand, jump- 
ing zvtth pain. Jack extends hand to Pres. Tank- 
head, zvho is still holding foot, then suddenly grasps 
own foot.) Say, what is this, a new kind of hand- 
shake ? 

Pres. Tankhead. (Puts foot dozm) Oh, no, no. 
I was suffering from a convulsion of pain in my 
lower right extremity. 

Jack. (To other Faculty members) Say suy 
translate that into English. ^' & /> 



14 COLLEGE DAYS 

Prof. Dingbat. Sir, you stepped on President 
Tankhead's foot. 

(President Tankhead goes to Dr. Soakum and 
shakes head angrily, with hack to Jack.^ 

Jack. (Slaps Pres. Tankhead on hack) Oh, so 
this is President Tankhead ! (Bows) Excuse me, 
gentlemen, I thought you were walking- delegates of 
the dishwashers' union. (Faculty are horrified. 
Jack laughs and slaps Pres. Tankhead on chest.) 
5FIa! Ha! That's a pretty good joke, eh? President 
Tankhead the leader of the dishwashers' union ! Ha ? 
Ha ! Ha ! (Faculty stand shocked. Jack turns 
suddenly on them.) Laugh, you ostriches, laugh! 
(Faculty laugh faint-heartedly.) 

Pres. Tankhead. Allow me to introduce these 
gentlemen. The introduction has been somewhat de- 
layed. 

Tack. (Laughs to one side) Yes, what a fool! 
What a fool ! 

Pres. Tankhead. (Advances angrily) Sir? 

Jack. What a fool mistake! President of the 
dishwashers' union ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! 

Pres. Tankhead. Sir, this is Professor Dingbat, 
of the English Department. (Prof. Dingbat is still 
at R. He makes a deep hozv.) 

Jack. (Still l.J If I had my way, no English 
would be taught in school. 

(Faculty are horrified.) 

Pres. Tankhead. And this is Dr. Soakum, of the 
Mathematics Department. (Dr. Soakum hows 
deeply.) 

Jack. I hate mathematics ! (Faculty are shocked.) 

Pres. Tankhead. Our plan, Mr. Hardwick, is to 

hold a faculty meeting presently, in which we will 



COLLEGE DAYS 15 

bring your degenerate nephew to trial. (Softens 
voice.) And then we would like to "interest you in 
some plans for future development of our college. 

Prof. Dingbat and Dr. Soakum. (Bow together) 
Yes, yes. 

Prof. Dingbat. A new faculty house is much 
needed for our department. 

Pres. Tankhead and Dr. Soakum. (Boiv to- 
gether) Yes, yes. 

Dr. Soakum. Our department needs brains. 

Pres. Tankhead and Prof. Dingbat. (Bow to- 
gether) Yes, yes. 

President Tankhead. And, in general, the col- 
lege needs money. 

Prof. Dingbat and Dr. Soakum. (Bozv together) 
Yes, yes. 

Jack. Excellent, gentlemen. Let me say that 
should you dispose satisfactorily of my disgraceful 
nephew, I wouldn't hesitate to endow your famous 
college with $8,000. 

(Faculty are overazved.) 

PkESiDENT Tankhead. That is very generous of 
you, sin 

Prof. Dingbat and Dr. Soakum. (Bozv together) 
Yes, yes. 

Prof. Dingbat. Couldn't you raise that to $9,000, 
sir? 

Pres. Tankhead and Dr. Soakum. (Bozv to- 
gether) Yes, yes. 

Dr. Soakum. Make it ten thousand, sir. 

Pres. Tankhead and Prof. Dingbat. (Bow to- 
gether) Yes, yes. 

Jack. Well, maybe. 

Pres. Tankhead. Won't you come home with 
me to dine, sir? I am sure that my wife 

Jack. What ? Are you married ? 

Pres. Tankhead. Y— y— yes, sir. I couldn'^ 



i6 COLLEGE DAYS 

help it, sir. I regret it greatly, sir. One of the in- 
discretions of my youth. 

Jack. (Yells) I hate women! (Stamps foot. 
Pres. Tankhead, although unhurt, jumps back, and 
grasps his right foot.) No, no, no! I will not be 
seen with a woman ! 

Prof. Dingbat. A very virtuous trait. 

Pres. Tankhead and Dr. Soakum. (Bow to- 
gether) Yes, yes. 

Dr. Soakum. Well, sir, I am a single man. Let 
me entertain you. 

Jack. (Aside) You have been for the last five 
minutes. But I'll accept your invitation. 

Pres. Tankhead. If you will come this way. 
(Starts to leave at R.J 

Jack. Here, President Tankhead, please take 
some of my simple luggage. 

Pres. Tankhead. Yes, certainly. 

Jack. (Goes off stage at l., limping badly. He 
returns with suitcase filled with bricks, which he 
hands to Pres. Tankhead. Pres. Tankhead again 
starts to leave.) Wait a minute, President. Here 
are a few more things. (Jack goes off stage at l. 
and returns zuith big red umbrella, red flannel paja- 
mas, alarm clock, etc., zvrapped up in a comforter, 
which he dumps on Pres. Tankhead. A corset falls 
out of the collection.) 

Prof. Dingbat. (Horrified) What was that? 

Jack. (Confusedly stuffs corset up his coat) Er, 
that was my handkerchief. (Turns to Prof. Ding- 
bat and Dr. Soakum j Gentlemen, I am badly spav- 
ined in my left hind leg. Kindly help me walk. 

(Pres. Tankhead leaves at r., followed by Jack, 
limping and supported by Prof. Dingbat and 
Dr. Soakum. He keeps in step with drum 
beats from orchestra. Dick^ Uncle, Tom and 
Paul enter at l.) 



COLLEGE DAYS n 

Dick. Right this way, Mr. Hardwick. 

Uncle. Yes, sir. Well, gentlemen, when will we 
visit them fust rate college buildings ye are so proud 

about? Er (Whispers to Dick, who nods, 

exits R., and returns zvith a spittoon, which he places 
near Uncle, j 

Paul. Er, not just now. 

Uncle. Why not? 

Tom. (After a pause) Because — ^because faculty 
members are not allowed to visit the campus in the 
afternoon. 

All. Yes, yes, not allowed. 

Uncle. What? Not allowed? 

Dick. Er, not allowed on special occasions, like 
to-day. 

Uncle. What's special to-day? 

Tom. Why — why, the students are carrying all 
their ponies and cribs back to their rooms to-day, 
and we'd be in their way. 

Uncle. Their cribs ! 

All. Yes, yes, their cribs. 

Uncle. What, hev the students got babies? 

Paul. No, no ; not cribs to hold babies in ; — you 
know, cribs to hold corn in. 

Uncle. Well, I swan ! This do beat all. 

(Dick looks at watch,) 

Uncle. Don't let me keep yer from going to yer 
homes. 

Paul. Oh, we all live in this hotel. 

Uncle. What? 

Dick. We have your views about women. 

Tom. We're all bachelors and live together. 

Uncle. Ye can't tell me that. 

Dick. Why not? 

Uncle. I heered that Professor Dingbat has a 
woman — (All are shocked.) — er, I mean a daughter. 



i8 COLLEGE DAYS 

Dick. Er, yes, yes. It must have slipped Pro- 
fessor Dingbat's mind. 

Tom. Yes, I forgot. 

Paul. But he keeps her on a bread and water diet 
as punishment for being a girl. 

Uncle. Too bad his daughter's a female ! 

Dick. Yes, Mr. Hardwick, we always weep at 
that thought. 

Uncle. To think that my poor Theodore would 
fall in love with a woman ! 

Tom. Oh, but he's not in love with Dorothea. 

Dick. No, he merely went out on a felicitous ex- 
pedition. 

Uncle. A what? 

Dick. Er, in common language, that's a joy ride 
to a dance. 

Paul. Horrors! Here comes that wretched fe- 
male now ! 

(Enter Alice at l.) 

Tom. (Chases her back) Out of here, out of 
here! You vile thing! You — you female! 

Uncle. (Stops him) Wait. That's too hasty. 
Let her explain why, why she took my poor Theo- 
dore to a dance. 

Tom. Dorothea, explain. 

Alice, (i..) I used to love Ted, but now I hate 
him! I hate him! (Weeps.) 

Uncle. (Down r.) That's why I despises women. 
They always cry. Miss Dorothea. 

Alice. Yes ? 

Uncle. (Severely) Quit yer crying. 

(Alice stops crying. Tom is next to her.) 

Uncle. (Points to Tom J Look at that! Look 
at that ! 



COLLEGE DAYS 19 

Tom. What is it? 

Uncle. She's jest the picture of her father! 

All. Oh, laws! 

Dick. Mr. Hardwick, your nephew will face you 
here. 

Uncle, (c.) Ah, I'll fix that woman's sissy. 

Alice. (Down l.^ advances on Uncle, who hacks 
away. Dick, Paul and Tom stand in row up c.) 
So will I! I'll kill him first — (Uncle, shivering, 
goes to R. of Dick J — ^then you — (Alice makes sud- 
den dive at Uncle, who shrieks and runs back of 
Dick, Paul and Tom, and crouches l. of TomJ — 
and I'll die happy ! 

Uncle. I hope ye don't mean what ye say. 

Alice. (Advances to l. of UncleJ Oh, yes, I 
do ! The moment he comes in, I will fly at him like a 
tiger cat. (Uncle shrieks and jumps.) I'll tear his 
body limb — (Alice gestures, and Uncle jumps) — 
from limb! — (Alice gestures and Uncle rushes 
to R., hack of Tom, Paul and Dick, and crouches at 
R. of DiCK.j 

Uncle. I think I'd better be going". 

Alice. And then I'll turn on you ! (Dives to R. 
after Uncle, and chases him out r.^ 

(Bill enters at l., running,) 

Bill. S-s-say. 

All. Say what ! 

Bill. Th— th— th— th— 



All. Quit that stuttering! 

Bill. I can't help it ! 

All. What is it? 

Bill. Th — the faculty are coming. Get out ! 

(All rush off at r. Flourish hy orchestra, followed 
by ''Hail, hail, the gang's all here!" Jack, fol- 
lowed by the Faculty, enters at l., doing the 



20 COLLEGE DAYS 

goose-step. Jack steps out of the procession 

and stands down l. while Faculty march around 
stage.) 

Pres. Tankhead. Faculty, halt ! {Music stops.) 
Right, face ! (Faculty execute right face, keeping 
palms together at waist. Pres. Tankhead is at l. 
end of Faculty.) Faculty, rest. (Faculty slouch.) 

Prof. Dingbat. (At r.) Sir, I hope you enjoyed 
the visit to our campus. 

Pres. Tankhead and Dr. Soakum. (Bow to- 
gether) Yes, yes. 

Jack. I have : more than you can imagine. 

Dr. Soakum. Now it is time for us to discuss the 
sad case of your nephew. 

Pres. Tankhead and Prof. Dingbat. (Bow to- 
gether) Yes, yes. 

Pres. Tankhead. We have ordered him here, 
and we will try him in your presence. 

Prof. Dingbat and Dr. Soakum. (Bow together) 
Yes, yes. 

(Ted enters R.J 

Prof. Dingbat. Here comes the scoundrel now! 

President Tankhead. (To JackJ Stand there, 
sir! Faculty, attention ! (Faculty stiffen up.) The 
meeting will now be held, Mr. Touchofif, in the pres- 
ence of your distinguished uncle. (Pauses, and all 
Faculty how toward Jack at l. and say, "Yes, yes." ) 
I demand of you to make full explanation of your 
deplorable conduct. (Angrily) Why did you take 
Professor Dingbat's daughter on a deliberate auto 
ride? 

Ted, (vi.) It wasn't deliberate, sir. 

(Jack laughs loudly.) 



COLLEGE DAYS 21 

Pres. Tankhead. You know what I mean : why 
did you? 

Ted. I'll tell you why. Because Miss Dorothea 
told me that Professor Dingbat (Points to Prof. 
Dingbat, who wilts) did exactly the same thing 
when he was courting. And whatever action you 
take in my case, I demand you do the same to Pro- 
fessor Dingbat. (Commotion.) 

Pres. Tankhead. Professor Dingbat, is this 
charge true? 

Prof. Dingbat. (Scared) It is. 

(Commotion.) 

Jack. Gentlemen of the faculty! Since both 
faculty and students are involved in this case, I move 
we let the matter drop. 

(Prof. Dingbat eagerly nods assent, then all Faculty 
how and say, "Yes, yes!^) 

Pres. Tankhead. Faculty, attention! (Faculty 
straighten up.) Left, face! Forward, march ! (Or- 
chestra plays, "Hail, hail, the gang's all here!" and 
Faculty march past Jack to r. and then turn and 
march l. and exit. Jack and Ted follow them, do- 
ing the snake dance.) 

Ted. Jack, you're a peach ! You saved the day ! 

Jack. Well, I guess we fooled 'em, hey? (Jack 
and Ted leave at l.) 

(Enter Bill af r.) 

Bill. G — g — gee, the coast is c — c — c — clear. 
I'll t— t— tell the r— rest. 

(Bill exits r., then Uncle, carried by Dick, Tom 
and FavLj with Bill, Artie and Alice^ enter 



22 COLLEGE DAYS 

at R. They carry Uncle to down l. stage, dump 
him on floor, and hastily pick him up and vigor- 
ously dust him off.) 

Tom. Mr. Hardwick, is there any phase of your 
nephew's scandalous conduct that you would care to 
discuss ? 

Uncle. Well, I see now that his mind's changed 
and that he ain't got no use fer Miss Dorothea. But 
I can't fergive him fer having once liked her. 

Dick. We'll see about that right now. Mr. 
Hardwick, we've decided upon a plan to redeem the 
world from womankind. 

Uncle. Good. What be it? 

Artie. We're going to organize a universal broth- 
erhood of woman-haters. 

Paul. (Slaps Uncle on back) And we've de- 
cided to make you a charter member. 

Uncle. (Scared) Oh, but 

All. Fine, fine! 

Dick. (Slaps Uncle) We'll do more; we'll 
make you the recognized head — (All cheer) — the 
foremost exponent — (All cheer) — of this brother- 
hood ! (All cheer.) 

Artie. (Slaps Uncle on hack) You will have 
the honor of being the first missionary who will 
travel over land and sea, preaching the doctrine of 
exemption from womankind. 

(Uncle starts to protest, hut is drowned out.) 

All. Splendid, splendid! 

Tom. (Slaps UncleJ Your nephew is already 
following in your footsteps. You see how he hates 
all women, including Alice. (Alice gestures.) I 
mean Dorothea. 

All. Yea, yea! 

Dick. As first pilgrim of the new era, your hard- 



COLLEGE DAYS 23 

ships will be many, but whatever humiliation and 
ridicule you may suffer will not be remembered after 
your death. (Loudly) Mr. Hardwick, I name you 
the first pioneer of the brotherhood of woman- 
haters ! 

(All applaud and slap Uncle on hack and cry, 
"Speech, speech!") 

Uncle, (l.) Gentlemen, I thank ye fer this in- 
vitation. (All cheer.) To be elected the president 
of this wonderful — (Gestures; all cheer) — this glori- 
ous — (Gestures; all cheer) — this magnificent — (Ges- 
tures; all cheer) — organization is indeed an honor — 
(Cheers) — of which any man might be proud. 
(Cheers) But ! 

All. What? 

Uncle. Before I accept this invitation, I would 
like to ask you, Miss Dorothea, one question. (Holds 
one finger up.) 

Alice, (r., and advances toward him) You 
would like to ask me one question ? (Holds one fin- 
ger up.) 

Uncle. Yes, I would like to ask you one question. 

Alice. What is the one question? 

Uncle. Will you be my wife? (Drops on knees 
beside Alice, takes her arm, and marches on knees 
to R. Students pair up and march behind them. Or- 
chestra plays wedding march.) 

Alice. (As curtain begins to fall) Oh, Uncle 
Gabriel ! 

CURTAIN 



The Return of Hi Jinks 

A comedy in four acts, by Marion Short, author of "The Varsity 
Coach," "The Touch-Down," etc. 6 males, 8 females. CostumcB 
modern. One interior scene. 

This comedy is founded upon and elaborated from a farce comedy 
in two acts written by J. H. Horta, and originally produced at Tuft's 
College. 

Hiram Poynter Jinks, a Junior in Hoosic College (Willie Collier 
type), and a young moving picture actress (Mary Pickford type), are 
the leading characters in this lively, modern farce. 

Thomas Hodge, a Senior, envious of the popularity of Jinks, wishes 
to think up a scheme to throw ridicule upon him during a visit of 
the Hoosic Glee Club to Jinks's home town. Jinks has obligingly acted 
as a one-day substitute in a moving picture play, in which there is a 
fire scene, and this gives Hodge his cue. He sends what seems to 
be a bona fide account of Jink's heroism at a Hoosic fire to Jink's 
home paper. Instead of repudiating his laurels as expected. Jinks 
decides to take a flyer in fame, confirms the fake story, confesses to 
being a hero and is adored by all the girls, to the chagrin and dis- 
comfiture of Hodge. Of course, the truth comes out at last, but 
Jinks is not hurt thereby, and his romance with Mimi Mayflower 
comes to a successful termination. 

This is a great comedy for amateurs. It is full of funny situations 
and is sure to please. Price, 30 Cents. 



J 



une 



A 

author 



most successful comedy-drama in four acts, by Marie Doran, 

ir of "The New Co-Ed," "Tempest and Sunshine," "Dorothy's 

Neighbors," etc. 4 males, 8 females. One interior scene. Costumes 
modern. Plays 2J4 hours. 

This play has a very interesting group of young people. June is 
an appealing little figure, an orphan living with her aunt. There are 
a number of delightful, life-like characters: the sorely tried likeable 
Mrs. Hopkins, the amusing, haughty Miss Banks of the glove depart- 
ment, the lively Tilly and Milly, who work in the store, and ambitious 
Snoozer; Mrs. Hopkins's only son, who aspires to be President of the 
United States, but finds his real sphere is running the local trolley 
car. The play is simplicity itself in the telling of an every-day story, 
and the scenic requirements call for only one set, a room in the 
boarding house of Mrs. Hopkins, while an opportunity is afforded tOi 
introduce any number of extra characters. Musical numbers may be 
introduced, if desired. Price, 30 Cents. 

Tempest and Sunshine 

A comedy drama in four acts, by Marie Doran. 5 males and 3 
females. One exterior and three interior scenes. Plays about 2 hours. 

Every school girl has revelled in the sweet simplicity and gentle- 
ness of the characters interwoven in the charms that Mary J. Holmes 
command? in her story of "Tempest and»'6unshine." We can strongly 
recommend this play as one of the best plays for high school pro- 
duction published in recent years. Price, 30 Cents. 

(The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) 
SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York City 

New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free en Request 



THE REJUVENATION OF AUNT MARY. 

The famous comedy in three acts, by Anne Warner. 7 males, § 
females. Three interior scenes. Costumes modern. Plays 2^4 hours. 

This is a genuinely funny comedy with splendid parts for "Aunt Mary," 
"Jack," her lively nephew; "Lucinda," a New England ancient maid of all work; 
"Jack's" three chums; the Girl "Jack" loves; "Joshua," Aunt Mary's hired 
man, etc. 

"Aunt Mary"_ was played by May Robson in New York and on tour for over 
two years, and it is sure to be a big success wherever produced. We strongly 
recommend it. Price, 60 Cents 

MRS. BUMSTEAD-LEIGH. 

A pleasing comedy, in three acts, by Harry James Smith, author of 
"The Tailor-Made Man." 6 males, 6 females. One interior scene. Cos- 
tumes modern. Plays 2% hours. 

Mr. Smith chose for* his initial comedy the complications arising from the 
endeavors of a social climber to land herself in the altitude peopled by hyphenated 
names— a theme, permitting innumerable complications, according to the spirit of 
the writer. 

This most successful comedy was toured for several seasons by Mrs. Fiske 
with enormous success. Price, 60 Cents. 

MRS. TEMPLE'S TELEGRAM. 

A most successful farce in three acts, by Frank Wyatt and William 
Morris. 5 males, 4 females. One interior scene stands throughout the 
three acts. Costumes modern. Plays 2^ hours. 

"Mrs. Temple's Telegram" is a sprightly farce in which there is an abund- 
ance of fun without any taint of impropriety or any element of offence. - As 
noticed by Sir Walter Scott, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we 
practice to deceive!" 

Th,ere is not a dull moment in the entire farce, and from the time the curtain 
rises until it makes the final drop the fun is fast and furious. A very exceptional 
farce. Price, 60 Cents. 

THE NEW CO-ED. 

A comedy in four acts, by Marie Doran, author of "Tempest and 
Sunshine,'* etc. Characters, 4 males, 7 females, though any number of 
boys and girls can be introduced in the action of the play. One interior 
and one exterior scene, but can be easily played in one interior scene. 
Costumes modern. Time, about 2 hours. 

The theme of this play is the coming of a new student to the college, her ' 
reception by the scholars, her trials and final triumph. 

There are three especially good girls' parts, Letty, Madge and Estelle, but 
the others have plenty to do. "Punch" Doolittle and George Washington Watts, 
a gentleman of color, are two particularly good comedy characters. We can 
strongly recommend "The New Co-Ed" to high schools and amateurs. 

Price, 30 Cents. 

(The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) 
SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York City 

New and Bxplicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on I^equest 



DOROTHY'S NEIGHBORS. 

A brand new comedy in four acts, by Marie Doran, author of "The 
New Co-Ed," "Tempest and Sunshine," and many other successful plays. 
4 males, 7 females. The scenes are extremely easy to arrange ; two plain 
interiors and one exterior, a garden, or, if necessary, the two interiors 
will answer. Costumes modern. Plays 2^ hours. 

The story is about vocational training, a subject now widely discussed; also, 
the distribution of large wealth. 

Back of the comedy situation and snappy dialogue there is good logic and 
a sound moral in this pretty play, which is worthy the attention of the experi- 
enced amateur. It is a clean, wkolesome play, particularly suited to high school 
production. Price, 30 Cents. 

MISS SOMEBODY ELSE. 

A modern play in four acts by Marion Short, author of "The Touch- 
down," etc. 6 males^ 10 females. Two interior scenes. Costumes mod- 
ern. Plays 2% hours. 

This delightful comedy has gripping dramatic moments,^ unusual character 
types, a striking and original plot and is essentially modern in theme and treat- 
ment. The story concerns the adventures of Constance Darcy, a multi-million- 
aire's young daughter. Constance embarks on a trip to find a young man who 
had been in her father's employ and had stolen a large sum of money. She 
almost succeeds, when suddenly all traces of the young man are lost. At this 
point she meets some old friends who are living in almost want and, in order to 
assist them through motives benevolent, she determines to sink her own aristo- 
cratic personality in that of a refined but humble little Irish waitress with the 
family that are in want. She not only carries her scheme to success in assisting 
the family, but finds romance and much tense and lively adventure during the 
period of her incognito, aside from capturing the young man who had defrauded 
her father. The story is full of bright comedy lines and dramatic situations and 
is highly recommended for amateur production. This is one of the best come- 
dies we have ever oflFered with a large number of female characters. The dialogue 
is bright and the play is full of action from start to finish; not a dull moment in 
it. This is a great comedy for high schools and colleges, and the wholesome 
story will please the parents and teachers, We strongly recommend it. 

Price, 30 Cents. 



PURPLE AND FINE LINEN. 

An exceptionally pretty comedy of Puritan New England, in three 
acts, by Amita B. Fairgrieve and Helena Miller. 9 male, 5 female char- 
acters. 

This is the Lend A Hand Smith College prize play. It is an admirable play 
for amateurs, is rich in character portrayal of varied types and is not too diflfiicult 
while thoroughly pleasing. Price, 30 Cents. 

(The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) 



SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 Weat 38th Street, New York City 

Kew and Explicit Descriptive Catalosrtic Mailed Free on Request 



